Marriage stuff

Marriage is such a complex demand on life for those who have no extra communication issues. It can only be imagined the possible complexities for either or both partners struggling with communication deficits.
As a couple committed to our relationship, and always wanting to grow and do better, we committed this week to attend a series of marriage enrichment sessions at Minds & Hearts clinic during the months of October and November.
I had an individual preparation session this past week where the staff of the clinic reviewed my case and how I felt about the program before asking me what I hope to get out of the program. I was honest in indicating some of the areas I would like our relationship to grow as well as some areas I think we are doing well. The surprising question that caught me unprepared was when the therapist asked me if I love my husband.
"Absolutely!" was my reply. She stopped for a moment before suggesting that we might be in the minority and that for most of the couples attending the sessions, this course was likely their last ditch effort to save their marriages. She felt the need to prepare my husband as the neurotypical partner that he would likely be hearing lots of negativity in his sessions as the partners unloaded their frustration at their autistic spouses. Not sure how we feel about going now. The therapist's view is that we will be a great balancing and encouraging influence. Hopefully we will be able to show that with knowledge and compromise and respect and love, marriage on the spectrum can be happy and beautiful. I guess we will know soon enough.... Watch this space.

Bossy or what?

I can remember being told by my sister that she did not enjoy playing with me as a child because I was so bossy. On hearing that as an adult I was confused because I never felt capable of controlling even my own behaviour, let alone the behaviour of others.... Part of what I am learning in my Masters in Autism Studies is information about just how little match there is between behaviour and intent. I do not doubt that my behaviour appeared bossy, but my intent was to feel able to control my environment enough to avoid anxiety. A lack of structure is enough to create anxiety for me so it is vital to control the environment.

Even as an adult, people have interpreted my very structured manner of life as me being a control freak. That interpretation is totally incorrect. I do not attempt to control the behaviour of others (which is the definition of being a control freak); my goal in controlling my environment is to embed predictability into my life as predictability is the only way I have to control debilitating anxiety. So.... I am not bossy and I am not a control freak. I am just an Aspie trying to self regulate by regulating my own environment.

Quest to be 'normal'

My next motivation for studying in the area of autism is as a part of my quest to be normal. I realize that there is not supposed to be any such thing as normal, but I know there is something unlike me that is closer to normal than I am capable of. My quest is not to be like anyone else, so I am not judging normal from someone else's definition. I define normal as being comfortable in my own skin in the life I have made for myself. And many times I am not.... The roadblocks to being normal?
Well here I go.
1. Sensory issues - By sensory issues I mean any of the 5 senses that is more or less sensitive than is comfortable. For me the senses causing problems are sound (sensitive to loud and confusing sounds especially in social environments - oh, and the hand blowers in the women's toilets which hurt my ears and make me anxious), tastes (actually not so much taste as texture in foods) touch (I know lots of people enjoy being pampered at the hairdresser, but I have to get out quickly so I can go home and have a meltdown. Clothing also causes problems. I am only able to wear cottons that are not tight. Some clothes make me panic and I have to change.) and temperature, (I find myself putting clothes on and taking jackets off till I nearly drive people crazy)
2. Pragmatics - I can't negotiate the social world. I have trouble with faces. I am told I stare at faces but I don't see details of faces so I miss a lot of the information that faces can provide. I don't understand sarcasm or figurative expressions, which often makes me look foolish. I don't have as much trouble, though with receiving other people's messages as I do imparting my own messages. It is as though I am not in control of how others perceive me. My body and face have a life of their own, and they are not to be trusted. The result of this problem is that the feedback I receive from others regarding how I present is never encouraging. I am told I am harsh, angry, aloof, unfriendly, isolated, rude, etc and yet none of those things are inside of me. My body lets me down as I don't question that people are being honest with me when they express such things. I don't doubt that I look harsh, angry, aloof, unfriendly, isolated, rude etc, but how I present and how I am inside are not even close to integrated. From very young, people's opinions of me and my actions have been baffling to me and I'm sure people are being honest when they give me feedback, but I can guarantee that what you see in this case is not what I think I have indicated.  (More tomorrow)

University Study

Part of my purpose in studying again is that I have not been able to find work. However, on a deeper level, unemployment is but a symptom of something far more important, and my second purpose in studying again. My logic goes like this. If I have over 30 years experience in my profession, possess a number of additional qualifications in leadership, special education, giftedness, literacy and numeracy education and still am not able to land a position despite a fairly strong resume, how must it be for others. If I as someone on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum am unable to    perform well enough at interview to land a position, how many other people with autism are currently unemployed or seriously underemployed, for the same reason. My thinking is that perhaps if I learn all I can about autism, then maybe I can play some role in ensuring that the interaction between the person who is highly qualified and passionate about working and the employer who needs someone highly qualified and motivated becomes mutually beneficial. I want to work to ensure that the gap between those with ASD who are able and willing to work and the number with ASD who currently are working, becomes smaller and smaller. From a social justice perspective I am motivated. From the perspective of wasted human capital I am also motivated. Where would our world be without our amazing Aspie thinkers and how many of our creative individuals are being overlooked and marginalised simply because of communicative quirks that result in them not performing well at interview? What a disgraceful wasted of potential!