My next motivation for studying in the area of autism is as a part of my quest to be normal. I realize that there is not supposed to be any such thing as normal, but I know there is something unlike me that is closer to normal than I am capable of. My quest is not to be like anyone else, so I am not judging normal from someone else's definition. I define normal as being comfortable in my own skin in the life I have made for myself. And many times I am not.... The roadblocks to being normal?
Well here I go.
1. Sensory issues - By sensory issues I mean any of the 5 senses that is more or less sensitive than is comfortable. For me the senses causing problems are sound (sensitive to loud and confusing sounds especially in social environments - oh, and the hand blowers in the women's toilets which hurt my ears and make me anxious), tastes (actually not so much taste as texture in foods) touch (I know lots of people enjoy being pampered at the hairdresser, but I have to get out quickly so I can go home and have a meltdown. Clothing also causes problems. I am only able to wear cottons that are not tight. Some clothes make me panic and I have to change.) and temperature, (I find myself putting clothes on and taking jackets off till I nearly drive people crazy)
2. Pragmatics - I can't negotiate the social world. I have trouble with faces. I am told I stare at faces but I don't see details of faces so I miss a lot of the information that faces can provide. I don't understand sarcasm or figurative expressions, which often makes me look foolish. I don't have as much trouble, though with receiving other people's messages as I do imparting my own messages. It is as though I am not in control of how others perceive me. My body and face have a life of their own, and they are not to be trusted. The result of this problem is that the feedback I receive from others regarding how I present is never encouraging. I am told I am harsh, angry, aloof, unfriendly, isolated, rude, etc and yet none of those things are inside of me. My body lets me down as I don't question that people are being honest with me when they express such things. I don't doubt that I look harsh, angry, aloof, unfriendly, isolated, rude etc, but how I present and how I am inside are not even close to integrated. From very young, people's opinions of me and my actions have been baffling to me and I'm sure people are being honest when they give me feedback, but I can guarantee that what you see in this case is not what I think I have indicated. (More tomorrow)
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